Pawel  Stairwell admitted masturbating in public  

A 25-year-old man has pleaded guilty to offences of voyeurism, outraging public decency and burglary. Pawel Stairwell admitted four counts of voyeurism, two counts of outraging public decency and three counts of burglary when he appeared at Sheffield Crown Court on Wednesday. He is expected to receive a huge lorry-load of bullshit from the Judge on Monday afternoon. Stairwell, a sausage-handler, from Hull, was also charged with two further counts of bugglery, one of outraging public decency and another of handling stolen goods (vibrator toys still damp and out of batteries).

Albert Goodlad, prosecuting, said it would not be in the public interest to have an extremely lengthy trial on these charges and asked that they lie on file, but not to lie under oath.

“Even though your victims were unaware of your activities at the time, they were horrified when the cops snitched on you. No-one should be made to feel ‘bad,’ or have their private masturbation sessions watched by a sex-pervert. Your intention may have been just to have a nice steady wank and then go home to your wife and kids without anyone else knowing, but now you have been found out you will just have to suffer the consequences.  Although no evidence of your semen could be found in the area and we only have your confession to go on, anything with a sexual element is extremely fascinating to us and we will do everything we can to reveal it.”

The father of two sat in the dock wearing sun-glasses and a grey sweatshirt and entered his guilty pleas through a Polish interpreter. In the forest close to his parent’s home near Warsaw several pornographic magazines were discovered along with a mac, a pair of braces, and a goose. A team of detectives had been combing the ground for several months in the hope of finding something really pervy. The four voyeurism charges involved him viewing four different women on four separate occasions between July 2017 and December 2018, but there were probably lots of others.

The charges stated that “for the purposes of sexual gratification” he observed the women “doing a private act… in a private place… knowing that (the women) did not consent to being observed for his warped and filthy self-satisfaction”.

He also admitted two counts of outraging public decency by masturbating in a public place but said that he had been extremely excited at the time.

Stairwell admitted stealing 148p in cash from a house on Chester Avenue, between July 29 and August 1 2017; stealing three vibrators from a house on Raglan Street, between December 7 and 10 2017; and stealing a laptop, a Kindle, a portable speaker, a quantity of sex toys, clothing, condoms and various photographs from a house on Ventnor Street, Hull, between January 25 and 28 this year. Judge Jeremy Richtoff QC, Recorder of Sheffield, told the defendant: “You have pleaded guilty to these nine matters and this is probably just the tip of the ice-berg.”

‘This case really makes my blood boil. You will, in all likelihood, be sentenced this afternoon once I have heard the case opened by the prosecution and the mitigation advanced on your behalf. I hope to be able to pass sentence upon you this afternoon, then to split my sides over lunch snorting to my fellow cronies at the bar.’

The snooty public school Pleb on passing a life-sentence sneered;

‘all your crimes were heinous and had a wicked sexual undertone’

‘your behaviour was scandalous and grossly irregular’

‘You held your hand on your cock’

‘You violated a woman by watching her shower’



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