Category Archives: First Contact

Lost all my food

It was scorching hot here in Norfolk yesterday, so mum turned off my fridge to see if all the food would go off.

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In your garden

Reaching out for Vivienne For about two years I watched you in the garden. Blue jeans, wavy golden hair. Small I thought. Quite petite. Your husband had a dark beard and looked like a wrestler. Then you were all by yourself. From my window, behind my lace curtains I continued to watch. That’s when I […]

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Where the Sun don’t shine

You can take your boxes, your terms of approval, your fake smiles and your labels. You can take your recognition, your incontinence pads, and your tributes. You can take your Turner prize, your Green shield stamps and your remuneration. Your houses, your sports cars and your women. You can take your Sunday suits, your bow […]

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HUMAN NATURE

Had a bit of a flare-up twice today with Chris; about human nature. The first was on Marriot’s way: I told her it was human nature to fight and control, to seek power. Chris told me that she ‘wasn’t like that!’ “But I’m not talking about you!” (I get sick of having to repeat things […]

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What happened the other day

On Tuesday I did a ‘missing-person’ report after my frail and ageing mum wandered off in the direction of Dereham road in Norwich muttering: “you may never see me again…” We had been unable to agree where to get her new purse from. I had suggested we try the market place. That night she sneaked […]

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Missing person

Took mum out for a meal today, but she wouldn’t eat anything because she said she wanted to be taken to Wroxham instead.  When we headed for  the market her bandy legs wavered in the opposite direction.  She looked so small and frail on her own.  I still bought her a brand new purse anyway.  She […]

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Return to sender

I have reconnected with my old girlfriend Margo after about forty years.  I remember standing with her against the wall of the Elmer nightclub and saying that I was going to “make myself perfect!” I think I had in mind a hair transplant.  My mum said it was the best thing I could ever do. […]

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When is an Artist just a shyster?

I met a guy called ‘Joe Jarvis’ a long time ago at the library.  I thought he had his own room there.  Later I met him at the gym, where he confirmed my suspicion that schoolteachers just like to give orders.  He was sacked from his job at a boy’s prep school for stripping them […]

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Mum is starving herself to death

Mum is threatening to ‘projectile vomit’ anything put on her plate these days. I think it’s a protest at having to tell the truth. She also said that Jack (that’s the asshole Deacon down at the indoctrination centre) thought she looked ‘horrible.’ I suppose that’s not as bad as actually ‘being’horrible, inside I mean. “Here’s […]

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Dear Betty

You’re dead now, but you were there at my birth.  You said I was the son you always wished you had, so why did you completely desert me as soon as I got into trouble?

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Mum has just hidden the car

What bitchy trick is she playing this time?  She says she has left it with a ‘friend.’

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The demise of Uncle Dennis

My Uncle Dennis died as the result of ‘neglect:’ 1 My auntie was no longer there to shovel his grub onto the drive 2 My cousin was too busy ordering her staff around at the hospital

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Solar panel heating

While I was inside mum spent £20,000 on some expensive solar panels which were faulty and didn’t work properly.  When I came out I was homeless.  Mum said that I would have to ring her each time to ask permission to come and visit.

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Boko Haram call girls

A young woman of fourteen was given forty pence to kill someone.  Just think what she could do for 50p.

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Andrew Beane working for the Cops

A Parishioner at the Communion service on Wednesday thought that Rev Canon Andrew Beane was an odious self-seeking Pleb when he walked down the aisle of the church and into the gathering. I could have told her that he only worked part-time for the sods, even though he has all the haughty manner of one […]

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Dr Ahmed says…

I need some help I told my doc about how mum kept asking me to leave and that I had no place to go.  She suggested I went to see Stoneham, who deal with people who have just left prison.

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How to murder your mother

Mum: “I can’t have any of my friends round while you’re here!  Who left that pile of soiled incontinence pads on the dining room table Christine?” “You did!”      

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Spiritual abuse of the living

An urgent investigation is being started by the Evangelical church into spiritual abuse (by spirits) from the other world.  This includes: bad language, strokes, hearing voices, evil thoughts, influencing the living, bad odours etc etc etc.   To quote a local author: “I think it must be difficult to differentiate between the person who has been […]

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The most shocking thing I have ever heard

After spending the last seven years of his life segregated in an institution populated by cockroaches, ignorant yobs, mindless thugs and a few shirt lifting ruffians with blood on their uniform sleeve, Stephen Gough has been handed another few years behind bars for refusing to wear any trousers.   His longest sentence yet.  Even rapists and […]

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Swapper rang

Swapper rang to tell us how great he is and how much he had in the bank. I reminded them what he’d said about Uncle Peter: “I wouldn’t leave him alone with any female, and that includes my wife.” Mum said I was reprehensible. She staggered into her bedroom and lifted the ceramic I had […]

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Tittle-tattle

Dear Methodist Church, I will not be attending any more of your dinners until something is done about ‘Harry-the-Gnome’ spreading scurrilous and malicious rumours about me.

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Cave dwellers

Okay.  Which one of you wants to make the first law?

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Another visit to Toytown

We were half an hour late after driving twenty miles across the city.  The Slob rang to say we were late.  When we arrived at the door she wouldn’t let us in. “Fair enough!  Lets go,” I said. Brian was in the living room playing on his X-box 1 quite indifferently. “But I want to […]

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Letter to Reverend/Canon Andrew Beane

Dear Andrew, Thankyou for your warm reception in church the other day.  As I indicated; it would be great to have a personal chat with you at the soonest opportunity.  You know my mum Margaret?  She’s been the Church Warden for a number of years and attends the service regularly every Sunday.  I asked her […]

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Something wrong with Sophia

We called on the off chance at Brian and Yvonne’s.  The lights were off.  When we rang they said they were just coming back from the supermarket.  As we sat in the car the kitchen lights suddenly went on.  When we went to the door Yvonne was already vacuuming in the doorway.   “Wait!” she snapped.  […]

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I’ve said all this before…

Two years ago Brian and Yvonne were breaking up.  He said he fancied a girl she worked with and didn’t love her.  A week after that she got pregnant. A fortnight ago they were rowing outside the house at one o’clock in the morning.  He said he was going to take her to Court for […]

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Mum’s forthcoming trip to Ireland

Four more days to go, four more days of sorrow, four more days until the bitch is gone, and we can use the dishwasher!

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Turning on the lights

Made an appearance at the turning on of the Christmas lights in town tonight.  Was scolded for letting mum go off on her own again but she still managed to find her own way back.  Chris kept moaning she was tired all the time…”Well stay in bed if you are tired and unwell!” “But I […]

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Pentecostal orifice

Father God, We pray today for the soul of our dear friend Brian Lee that he be not fouled by the wicked ways of this world, and that he liveth in the world, but be not of it.  We ask that he find the space for all his railway memorabilia: his flag, cap and clockwork […]

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Owing your parents

Why should children owe their parents anything? When they had sex with each other it was a pleasurable experience, and it was done for selfish reasons. When they bring their children up it is because they have more power in doing so and they have someone they can control.  By looking after their children they […]

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