Category Archives: First Contact

When is an Artist just a shyster?

I met a guy called ‘Joe Jarvis’ a long time ago at the library.  I thought he had his own room there.  Later I met him at the gym, where he confirmed my suspicion that schoolteachers just like to give orders.  He was sacked from his job at a boy’s prep school for stripping them […]

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Mum is starving herself to death

Mum is threatening to ‘projectile vomit’ anything put on her plate these days. I think it’s a protest at having to tell the truth. She also said that Jack (that’s the asshole Deacon down at the indoctrination centre) thought she looked ‘horrible.’ I suppose that’s not as bad as actually ‘being’horrible, inside I mean. “Here’s […]

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Dear Betty

You’re dead now, but you were there at my birth.  You said I was the son you always wished you had, so why did you completely desert me as soon as I got into trouble?

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Mum has just hidden the car

What bitchy trick is she playing this time?  She says she has left it with a ‘friend.’

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The demise of Uncle Dennis

My Uncle Dennis died as the result of ‘neglect:’ 1 My auntie was no longer there to shovel his grub onto the drive 2 My cousin was too busy ordering her staff around at the hospital

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Solar panel heating

While I was inside mum spent £20,000 on some expensive solar panels which were faulty and didn’t work properly.  When I came out I was homeless.  Mum said that I would have to ring her each time to ask permission to come and visit.

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Boko Haram call girls

A young woman of fourteen was given forty pence to kill someone.  Just think what she could do for 50p.

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Andrew Beane working for the Cops

A Parishioner at the Communion service on Wednesday thought that Rev Canon Andrew Beane was an odious self-seeking Pleb when he walked down the aisle of the church and into the gathering. I could have told her that he only worked part-time for the sods, even though he has all the haughty manner of one […]

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Dr Ahmed says…

I need some help I told my doc about how mum kept asking me to leave and that I had no place to go.  She suggested I went to see Stoneham, who deal with people who have just left prison.

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How to murder your mother

Mum: “I can’t have any of my friends round while you’re here!  Who left that pile of soiled incontinence pads on the dining room table Christine?” “You did!”      

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Spiritual abuse of the living

An urgent investigation is being started by the Evangelical church into spiritual abuse (by spirits) from the other world.  This includes: bad language, strokes, hearing voices, evil thoughts, influencing the living, bad odours etc etc etc.   To quote a local author: “I think it must be difficult to differentiate between the person who has been […]

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The most shocking thing I have ever heard

After spending the last seven years of his life segregated in an institution populated by cockroaches, ignorant yobs, mindless thugs and a few shirt lifting ruffians with blood on their uniform sleeve, Stephen Gough has been handed another few years behind bars for refusing to wear any trousers.   His longest sentence yet.  Even rapists and […]

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Swapper rang

Swapper rang to tell us how great he is and how much he had in the bank. I reminded them what he’d said about Uncle Peter: “I wouldn’t leave him alone with any female, and that includes my wife.” Mum said I was reprehensible. She staggered into her bedroom and lifted the ceramic I had […]

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Tittle-tattle

Dear Methodist Church, I will not be attending any more of your dinners until something is done about ‘Harry-the-Gnome’ spreading scurrilous and malicious rumours about me.

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Cave dwellers

Okay.  Which one of you wants to make the first law?

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Another visit to Toytown

We were half an hour late after driving twenty miles across the city.  The Slob rang to say we were late.  When we arrived at the door she wouldn’t let us in. “Fair enough!  Lets go,” I said. Brian was in the living room playing on his X-box 1 quite indifferently. “But I want to […]

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Letter to Reverend/Canon Andrew Beane

Dear Andrew, Thankyou for your warm reception in church the other day.  As I indicated; it would be great to have a personal chat with you at the soonest opportunity.  You know my mum Margaret?  She’s been the Church Warden for a number of years and attends the service regularly every Sunday.  I asked her […]

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Something wrong with Sophia

We called on the off chance at Brian and Yvonne’s.  The lights were off.  When we rang they said they were just coming back from the supermarket.  As we sat in the car the kitchen lights suddenly went on.  When we went to the door Yvonne was already vacuuming in the doorway.   “Wait!” she snapped.  […]

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I’ve said all this before…

Two years ago Brian and Yvonne were breaking up.  He said he fancied a girl she worked with and didn’t love her.  A week after that she got pregnant. A fortnight ago they were rowing outside the house at one o’clock in the morning.  He said he was going to take her to Court for […]

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Mum’s forthcoming trip to Ireland

Four more days to go, four more days of sorrow, four more days until the bitch is gone, and we can use the dishwasher!

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Turning on the lights

Made an appearance at the turning on of the Christmas lights in town tonight.  Was scolded for letting mum go off on her own again but she still managed to find her own way back.  Chris kept moaning she was tired all the time…”Well stay in bed if you are tired and unwell!” “But I […]

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Pentecostal orifice

Father God, We pray today for the soul of our dear friend Brian Lee that he be not fouled by the wicked ways of this world, and that he liveth in the world, but be not of it.  We ask that he find the space for all his railway memorabilia: his flag, cap and clockwork […]

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Owing your parents

Why should children owe their parents anything? When they had sex with each other it was a pleasurable experience, and it was done for selfish reasons. When they bring their children up it is because they have more power in doing so and they have someone they can control.  By looking after their children they […]

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Little Cunt

Paid a visit to the trough today.  Tripped over a doll walking in and then slid on an old banana skin.  The vegetables were piled up against the draining board.  King Brian was still playing on X-box 1.  The Brat was smiling innocently.  She’d had her blonde curls trimmed, and was wearing a really cute […]

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A pair of Keighley tarts

Haven’t seen either of my cousins for years.  They must be getting on.  I was shown a photo of them both together recently.  I thought they looked fairly typical for the area.  

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At the traffic lights

At the traffic lights last night I got up and left them in the car.  It was dark.  I slammed the driver’s door and walked down the street .  All they could do was sit there while a long line of motorists grew impatient and papped their horns.  I was fed up of hearing that […]

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Are all Watson women spiteful little bitches?

This thought has often returned to my mind. It was my sister who first mentioned it to me. She should know if anyone should! I do apologise if it is a repeat.

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Gran’s old picture

Mum accused me of hiding her picture of Grannie again today.  This is just one of the many tricks she has had up her sleeve since I turned fourteen. Yvonne thinks she is just trying to make it so uncomfortable for me that I will leave. I think she may be working for pain-in-the-butt Genevieve.

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Bonfire night at Thorpe St Andrew’s

There was a firework display but no bonfire, a few stalls around the pitch. Chris bought me a hot dog then whinged about the price all evening. Apparently, the sprog had been crying and kicking off all day due to her teeth coming through. It was cold and dark with an occasional down pouring of […]

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Told off

When I arrived back in the gym tonight Paul said that he needed to have a word with me: “What have I done wrong this time?” I replied.  (Paul had told me about his imminent divorce). ~Apparently he had told me in confidence, even though most people already knew. A few days ago Laura had […]

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