Category Archives: First Contact

Revised version

PUTTING ON EMILY’S SHOES In the morning, when you rub your eyes, the door opens, and mummy calls… “Hurry, or we’ll be late!” Our jeep lies purring in the driveway. You sit above me on the stairs, Your brown hair, straight down your sides, You look at me, without a whisper, Waiting for something, eating […]

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So good looking!

Donna, our new carer came round. “My daughter’s boyfriend is so good looking,” she said.

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Methinks I must protest

Hi Janet, I understand what you mean about letting mum move the furniture round every day. It doesn’t hurt anyone, although it can get a bit exasperating. She often leaves things all over the floor which she could trip-up on, and she sometimes spills things which leave a sticky mess. My mum always liked to […]

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Kidnapping of 300 Nigerians schoolgirls

At least none of them will have to worry about dying a virgin!

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Brighter than the day

There is a time, when we must rise, From darkness, pain and wrath, When we are stumbling on our knees, And black is but the cloth. When children pray, And old men say, That life is just too bad… Should I eclipse the Sun and Moon, The stars by which we live, Should I be […]

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Trump supporters shot, trying to defend Democracy

Do you trust the Democrats?

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Wrong sis?

And a Happy New Year to you too! You make me smile. haha! What’s matter. Can’t you sleep? Not so far. I have an idea I can help. ? Think of something very large. Like What? Think of something very hard. What is it? It’s cold outside. Why don’t you try sucking on your fingers […]

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Budgen’s baloney

Went into the bad supermarket  for a stamp today.  Libby was getting shagged round the back.  One of the staff rushed up to me: “You’re banned!  You know you are” ?

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THE PRESIDENT

Mr President. This is Andy Gallagher in England. The best way to deal with this is by showing magnanimity and generosity towards the apparent Victor. Apologise for the jokes you made about him and give him credit where it is due, even though the use of postal ballots is very much open to scrutiny. Be […]

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Joe Biden’s teeth

Paid for by the poor and downtrodden…

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MIKE PENCE

‘Well done Mike Pence! In tonight’s Vice Presidential debate you were great. Calm, composed and honest, in your defence of the President. The Interviewer handled this a lot better than the last one. Joe Biden’s running mate over-ran herself, and also spoke back to you. She was unable to defend her record, because she did […]

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Sergeant Matt

“Everybody liked him.  Even those he arrested…”

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Jack Sparrow maimed my marrow

Chopped it into little pieces and smeared it on the pillow Crushed its neck until it cried out in agony Fed it cocaine until it blacked-out

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Good things about slavery

Free food and lodgings if you do as you are told Secure career advancement  into your dog-kennel Part of a team dedicated to preserving the status quo Knowing you are appreciated by your Lords and Masters A wide variety of social contacts among the sick and injured Privileged and able to vote if you are […]

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Shooting in Canada

Only 19.  Was he a poor shot?

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Doctors and nurses 2

‘We feel ‘compelled’ to return to work in return for a nice fat pay cheque, and plenty of prestige…

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Just so you know

I keep seeing you around town Colin, don’t I.  How long ago is it now, that you turned up to my Writer’s group… In case you’ve heard a few mistruths from people down at the church, who in my opinion, are some of the worse gossips in town. I’m not sure if you read my […]

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What makes a wizard?

  The ability to be in more than one place at the same time The ability to communicate with the higher forces and Guardians The possession of a familiar or animal spirit The ability to feel the thoughts and feelings of others across every space and time The ability to tap into the Universal mind […]

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JULIE ANDREWS

Spoke to Julie down at the Centre today.  I spoke as loudly as I could so everyone could hear.  They were already watching for me through the front window.  While I was there simultaneous members of staff came round behind me to have a shifty.  Then, just as I was leaving the thick bugger security […]

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There’s nothing wrong with Brexit

In the distant Referendum the country clearly voted to get out of the tyranny of the European club and take back control of our own borders.   People understood that this would mean a free trade agreement with the rest of the world without France and Germany dictating how we should live.  To be punished for […]

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The sudden death of Andrew Harper

Is being called murder… Since we can’t believe the police, who lie all the time, and we can’t believe everything broadcast by the media, especially when it comes from the Establishment, who can we believe?  Certainly not the Authorities.  Has anyone ever asked themselves why we can’t hear a version of the truth from the […]

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Pawel  Stairwell admitted masturbating in public  

A 25-year-old man has pleaded guilty to offences of voyeurism, outraging public decency and burglary. Pawel Stairwell admitted four counts of voyeurism, two counts of outraging public decency and three counts of burglary when he appeared at Sheffield Crown Court on Wednesday. He is expected to receive a huge lorry-load of bullshit from the Judge […]

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No title

Hödr stood outside the ring of men, because he was blind. Then spake Loki to him: ‘Why dost thou not shoot at Baldr?’ He answered: ‘Because I see not where Baldr is; and for this also, that I am weaponless.’ Then said Loki: ‘Do thou also after the manner of other men, and show Baldr […]

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The Good old days

I remember my Aunty Betty getting lippy with my Grandad in the nineteen-fifties. She had been out until ten o’clock at night and was just sixteen years of age. They began arguing near the bottom of the stairs. He took hold of her, led her into the kitchen and put her over his knee. Then […]

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IN CATHEDRAL JARS

The cards from Prue, With pictures from her gallery, And Pam’s letters, Rich in scenes from her family. Roger’s large and erudite hand, Scrawled across the page, His loving nature revealed, For the very first time. And Leo’s inspiring words, Giving me the will to survive, The injustice of this prison cell, All the way […]

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Love poem

Fifty years from now Will you still remember me, Fifty years from now, On Marriot’s Way, On our journey from the town. Hand in hand we walked, Under the bramble bush, With the skylarks singing, And the rabbits on the path. The boy who passed us on his bike, The group of teenagers under the […]

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Lost all my food

It was scorching hot here in Norfolk yesterday, so mum turned off my fridge to see if all the food would go off.

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In your garden

Reaching out for Vivienne For about two years I watched you in the garden. Blue jeans, wavy golden hair. Small I thought. Quite petite. Your husband had a dark beard and looked like a wrestler. Then you were all by yourself. From my window, behind my lace curtains I continued to watch. That’s when I […]

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Where the Sun don’t shine

You can take your boxes, your terms of approval, your fake smiles and your labels. You can take your recognition, your incontinence pads, and your tributes. You can take your Turner prize, your Green shield stamps and your remuneration. Your houses, your sports cars and your women. You can take your Sunday suits, your bow […]

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HUMAN NATURE

Had a bit of a flare-up twice today with Chris; about human nature. The first was on Marriot’s way: I told her it was human nature to fight and control, to seek power. Chris told me that she ‘wasn’t like that!’ “But I’m not talking about you!” (I get sick of having to repeat things […]

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