Category Archives: bottle-nosed dolphin

Revised version

PUTTING ON EMILY’S SHOES In the morning, when you rub your eyes, the door opens, and mummy calls… “Hurry, or we’ll be late!” Our jeep lies purring in the driveway. You sit above me on the stairs, Your brown hair, straight down your sides, You look at me, without a whisper, Waiting for something, eating […]

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As I said…

As I said to the pie-man, in the market place this morning (amid the vexed expressions and malign mutterings of the rabble): ‘the day I start worrying about what people say about me, a giant two-ton turtle will fly over the town centre, and the earth will start rotating backwards on its axis…’

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Back from holiday

Dear Tom, and Mr Mayhew, Could you please tell me what the Government is doing to prevent many more annoying and greedy individuals from entering the country? I understand that some of the Taliban fighters are carrying fire-arms (which actually work!), but that, in some instances, they do not have a valid licence, or have […]

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The return of Corrie’s Robert

Robert returned from prison last night and took up his life where it left off: A close loving relationship A partner who was faithful and supportive A successful business, thriving and popular A crowd of friends welcoming him back A nice clean home and lots of happy neighbours A friendly and reliable Establishment A kind […]

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IN CATHEDRAL JARS

The cards from Prue, With pictures from her gallery, And Pam’s letters, Rich in scenes from her family. Roger’s large and erudite hand, Scrawled across the page, His loving nature revealed, For the very first time. And Leo’s inspiring words, Giving me the will to survive, The injustice of this prison cell, All the way […]

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SCROOGE

First met Scrooge at my job interview in 2003. He stood behind me the whole time while his wife fired questions about my work experience and character. After that he took me on a tour of the new Asda superstore. The first thing I noticed was his swift and decisive manner. His face was like […]

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HUMAN NATURE

Had a bit of a flare-up twice today with Chris; about human nature. The first was on Marriot’s way: I told her it was human nature to fight and control, to seek power. Chris told me that she ‘wasn’t like that!’ “But I’m not talking about you!” (I get sick of having to repeat things […]

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What happened the other day

On Tuesday I did a ‘missing-person’ report after my frail and ageing mum wandered off in the direction of Dereham road in Norwich muttering: “you may never see me again…” We had been unable to agree where to get her new purse from. I had suggested we try the market place. That night she sneaked […]

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When is an Artist just a shyster?

I met a guy called ‘Joe Jarvis’ a long time ago at the library.  I thought he had his own room there.  Later I met him at the gym, where he confirmed my suspicion that schoolteachers just like to give orders.  He was sacked from his job at a boy’s prep school for stripping them […]

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Mum is starving herself to death

Mum is threatening to ‘projectile vomit’ anything put on her plate these days. I think it’s a protest at having to tell the truth. She also said that Jack (that’s the asshole Deacon down at the indoctrination centre) thought she looked ‘horrible.’ I suppose that’s not as bad as actually ‘being’horrible, inside I mean. “Here’s […]

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So called ‘new’ evidence

First of all, there is no such thing as ‘new’ evidence.  Evidence which suddenly comes to light has been there all the time hidden away deliberately, usually by the investigating twat-heads. ‘Evidence’ is something presented as proof, but which is false.  Evidence is just another biased way of concocting ‘guilt.’ It is just as easy […]

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Solar panel heating

While I was inside mum spent £20,000 on some expensive solar panels which were faulty and didn’t work properly.  When I came out I was homeless.  Mum said that I would have to ring her each time to ask permission to come and visit.

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Boko Haram call girls

A young woman of fourteen was given forty pence to kill someone.  Just think what she could do for 50p.

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Andrew Beane working for the Cops

A Parishioner at the Communion service on Wednesday thought that Rev Canon Andrew Beane was an odious self-seeking Pleb when he walked down the aisle of the church and into the gathering. I could have told her that he only worked part-time for the sods, even though he has all the haughty manner of one […]

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How to murder your mother

Mum: “I can’t have any of my friends round while you’re here!  Who left that pile of soiled incontinence pads on the dining room table Christine?” “You did!”      

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Tittle-tattle

Dear Methodist Church, I will not be attending any more of your dinners until something is done about ‘Harry-the-Gnome’ spreading scurrilous and malicious rumours about me.

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Cave dwellers

Okay.  Which one of you wants to make the first law?

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Another visit to Toytown

We were half an hour late after driving twenty miles across the city.  The Slob rang to say we were late.  When we arrived at the door she wouldn’t let us in. “Fair enough!  Lets go,” I said. Brian was in the living room playing on his X-box 1 quite indifferently. “But I want to […]

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Something wrong with Sophia

We called on the off chance at Brian and Yvonne’s.  The lights were off.  When we rang they said they were just coming back from the supermarket.  As we sat in the car the kitchen lights suddenly went on.  When we went to the door Yvonne was already vacuuming in the doorway.   “Wait!” she snapped.  […]

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I’ve said all this before…

Two years ago Brian and Yvonne were breaking up.  He said he fancied a girl she worked with and didn’t love her.  A week after that she got pregnant. A fortnight ago they were rowing outside the house at one o’clock in the morning.  He said he was going to take her to Court for […]

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Turning on the lights

Made an appearance at the turning on of the Christmas lights in town tonight.  Was scolded for letting mum go off on her own again but she still managed to find her own way back.  Chris kept moaning she was tired all the time…”Well stay in bed if you are tired and unwell!” “But I […]

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Owing your parents

Why should children owe their parents anything? When they had sex with each other it was a pleasurable experience, and it was done for selfish reasons. When they bring their children up it is because they have more power in doing so and they have someone they can control.  By looking after their children they […]

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Bonfire night at Thorpe St Andrew’s

There was a firework display but no bonfire, a few stalls around the pitch. Chris bought me a hot dog then whinged about the price all evening. Apparently, the sprog had been crying and kicking off all day due to her teeth coming through. It was cold and dark with an occasional down pouring of […]

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Beating your son with a brush

Pain-in-the-Butt! Mum chased me into the bedroom where I was lying with Chris.   She began thrashing me as I lay on the bed.  The broom nearly broke my thumb. She accused me of mocking her by walking with a limp (I have arthritis in both my knees). She also said: 1  There will be trouble […]

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Aylsham Spiritual church

Laura was at the meeting tonight.  She’s about six foot four in heels.  She waved me over.  The booked medium had cancelled.  A young man stared across at us from the alcove.  I liked his trick: most of the spirits he revealed went back a generation or two to the Great War.  An Uncle, a […]

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Floaters

I spoke to the Judge at Norwich County Court today. Wherry had tried to pull another fast one along with their friends down at the station. He adjourned the trial until another date could be arranged because he was not prepared to go ahead without a key witness. Your Honour! I shouldn’t even be there. […]

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School Photographer jailed for taking pictures

When I met with Peabody today he was even more excited than usual. A catalogue of photographs had been passed around the station, with the Director and one or two of the Senior Officers having first sniff. By the time the albums reached him they were already torn, with several of the photographs missing or […]

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Sad for the Cheshire Cat

Shot through both his eyes, the Cheshire Cat, no longer gleamed, from the Public Gallery.   Where the Press, had organised, a tea party.   There he was, covered in seaweed, and confetti up to his whiskers, the gun drooped like a chimney, the scarlet throng cheered.

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Arian Grimblechuck: junior snoop-dog at the Norfolk surveillance academy and how we met

About six and a half years ago I contacted my ex partner to explain a misunderstanding and found her masturbating in front of her own two children to strangers on the Internet.  As a result of ringing her phone number I received two and a half years in custody, and was forced to spend the […]

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POLICEMAN GUILTY OF FLASHING HIS TRUNCHEON

We had to pass by the home of a young constable on our way to school many years ago.  We lads nearly pissd ourselves.  I think we needed a positive ‘role’ model at that age.  Mr Trundall would be standing outside his cottage waiting for the girls to come.  He always smiled and said “hello!” […]

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