Category Archives: fight to the finish

Revised version

PUTTING ON EMILY’S SHOES In the morning, when you rub your eyes, the door opens, and mummy calls… “Hurry, or we’ll be late!” Our jeep lies purring in the driveway. You sit above me on the stairs, Your brown hair, straight down your sides, You look at me, without a whisper, Waiting for something, eating […]

Also posted in bottle-nosed dolphin, First Contact, Hot Air, other | Comments closed

MIKE PENCE

‘Well done Mike Pence! In tonight’s Vice Presidential debate you were great. Calm, composed and honest, in your defence of the President. The Interviewer handled this a lot better than the last one. Joe Biden’s running mate over-ran herself, and also spoke back to you. She was unable to defend her record, because she did […]

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

What makes a wizard?

  The ability to be in more than one place at the same time The ability to communicate with the higher forces and Guardians The possession of a familiar or animal spirit The ability to feel the thoughts and feelings of others across every space and time The ability to tap into the Universal mind […]

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

In your garden

Reaching out for Vivienne For about two years I watched you in the garden. Blue jeans, wavy golden hair. Small I thought. Quite petite. Your husband had a dark beard and looked like a wrestler. Then you were all by yourself. From my window, behind my lace curtains I continued to watch. That’s when I […]

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

Where the Sun don’t shine

You can take your boxes, your terms of approval, your fake smiles and your labels. You can take your recognition, your incontinence pads, and your tributes. You can take your Turner prize, your Green shield stamps and your remuneration. Your houses, your sports cars and your women. You can take your Sunday suits, your bow […]

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

Adam Right

Adam was a sweet lovely guy with severe physical disabilities, who fell in love with his Carer.   His Carer reported him for looking at child porn on his computer.  Ginger left a short time later with his girlfriend, but the pigs continued to call.  Eventually they left him alone.  His father said to me: “We […]

Also posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

The way to solve BREXIT

Form a United Kingdom, including Ireland. Trade with our natural allies: the Scandinavian countries across the North sea from where many of us came in the first place. Iceland and Denmark are also our natural allies. Canada still has very strong links with the UK and lies along a westerly trading route. Cut our ties […]

Also posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

The demise of Uncle Dennis

My Uncle Dennis died as the result of ‘neglect:’ 1 My auntie was no longer there to shovel his grub onto the drive 2 My cousin was too busy ordering her staff around at the hospital

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

Dr Ahmed says…

I need some help I told my doc about how mum kept asking me to leave and that I had no place to go.  She suggested I went to see Stoneham, who deal with people who have just left prison.

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

Preferred methods of torture for United States Governments

poke in the eye ski stick up the arse stamp on hands and fingers listen to old recordings of Arthur Askey hear Michael Mcintyre tell a joke go to brass band concert tongue lash by Nichola Sturgeon push pencil in ear throw snowballs at genitals curling your tonge round a pick jumping on head with […]

Posted in fight to the finish | Comments closed

Letter to Reverend/Canon Andrew Beane

Dear Andrew, Thankyou for your warm reception in church the other day.  As I indicated; it would be great to have a personal chat with you at the soonest opportunity.  You know my mum Margaret?  She’s been the Church Warden for a number of years and attends the service regularly every Sunday.  I asked her […]

Also posted in First Contact, Hot Air | Comments closed

Almost a year since the last load of crap

Its nearly a year since the crony old Judge believed Fatass that I had: run her down on my bike banged repeatedly on my girlfriend’s bedroom wall for hours stood peering into her kitchen window with my partner Of course, it was only to be expected. Wherry Housing will have to take me back to […]

Also posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

How to catch a fox

The best time to catch a fox is in the morning when it has just woken up and is still half asleep.  Don’t even wait until it has got out of bed before wading in with your fists and Jack boots.  If you can catch the little bastard by the tail before it has bitten […]

Also posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Pain-in-the-butt

In the last two days mum has taken my camera from my drawer and my bank card from my bag but she won’t own up to a thing. Kevin has just been across to measure up for a new sink which she doesn’t really need.  If she stopped trying to clean it in green toilet […]

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

He came to sit and stare

I know this Baldridge.   We go back a long way. When I first came out he crept from his dark fart stinking cess-pit and slithered along the path to sit and stare at me for two fuking hours.  His putrid yellow eyes were eating into my brain. After that he brought along a whole host […]

Also posted in First Contact, Hot Air | Comments closed

Never trust your mum

My mum said that she was leaving everything to my sister and her children in her Will because I was ‘not to be trusted with money.’  Yes folks, the very same relatives who were calling her an “Evil wicked Witch!” before she bribed them back into camp.  I was also told that I would “never have any […]

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

Arian Grimblechuck: junior snoop-dog at the Norfolk surveillance academy and how we met

About six and a half years ago I contacted my ex partner to explain a misunderstanding and found her masturbating in front of her own two children to strangers on the Internet.  As a result of ringing her phone number I received two and a half years in custody, and was forced to spend the […]

Also posted in bottle-nosed dolphin, First Contact, Hot Air | Comments closed

Great news for Muslim rapist

Spoke to Muhammad on our special communication device a while ago.  Its the one which can’t be traced or monitored by anyone.  He said that his parents had paid off the girl involved and that she would no longer be giving evidence against him.   As a result his rape trial has been dropped.   The pigs […]

Also posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Demonic gibberish

I’ve come to the conclusion that so called ‘speaking in tongues’ is merely demonic gibberish meant to impress the ignorant rabble and goad them into servitude.

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

Total bollocks

Dear Judge Gilbertson,   I would like to give you some feedback on a case you heard recently involving myself.  I know these cases are notoriously hard to weigh up but it seems as if you have gone along with all the stereo-typing presented to you by Wherry Housing.  By granting the injunction you appear […]

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

Last night’s pork crackling

We were standing in the queue ready for second helpings when Simon spoke on the loudspeaker. A teacher standing behind us in the queue had already been up and told him.

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

Stewart witch-hazel

Stewart gave me a strong piece of wood today. He said it came from the forests of Ireland. He makes catapults at £30 each but I’m not sure if they would be powerful enough.

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

Mafia boss praised for ordering deaths

When Trevor McDonald interviewed a famous mafia war-lord he questioned him about his credentials. “You had the power of life and death?” “You ordered the deaths of…..” In an attempt to make him feel ‘guilty’. Doesn’t every Government and Politician around the globe do exactly the same thing.  

Also posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Swearing to be made a capital offence

When Jeremy Clarkson began haranging his PA for sheer incompetence after a hard day on the road little did he know that the Ward family would sneek off to tittle-tattle to the press. “He used foul and abusive language.  He was extremely offensive!” “He’s been in trouble once.  He’ll be in trouble again.” Do me […]

Also posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Waving my chopper

I couldn’t find my small hammer so I had to use my large chopper to bang in the nails to put up Fiz’s curtains. I waved my axe all the way down the corridoor. It’s only a matter of time now.

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

Sex mad Satan

Hi Simon! As head of the local Evangelical church I thought you might like some feedback on some of my experiences with you. 1 We came along to talk to you about some bullying and threats we had been getting but you seemed far more interested in knowing whether we were having ‘sex before marriage.’  […]

Also posted in First Contact | Comments closed

Belinda’s Hot Air (a place to pour scorn on the world)

  (You need to be signed in to FACEBOOK in order to post a comment) COMMENTS are made by clicking on the title words of the Post:

Posted in fight to the finish | Comments closed