Category Archives: Hot Air

Lions and hyenas

You could have the biggest, strongest, bravest lion in the world, but if you get enough hyenas to gang up and attack it together, they will kill the lion and destroy it. Which one are you?

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Pulse of the nation

Mr. Mayhew, I am sorry to trouble you again, but I am so fed up. Vodaphone have emptied my credit again.  I only made a handful of text messages (but none to my ex-girlfriend you will be glad to hear…). Last week the top up number rejected my phone.  I spent ages talking to a […]

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AIR PASSENGERS GATHER IN AIRPORTS

Ready to spread the new variant all around the globe.

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To my friends in Tucson…

All the best! To the snoops in other places… You’re a pest!

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Nice warm hand, Mr. Johnson

Dear Mr. Mayhew, I just wanted to express my horror at the disgraceful behaviour of the Prime Minister’s father eighteen years ago. Before slapping her arse, he should at least have had her over his knee!

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Revised version

PUTTING ON EMILY’S SHOES In the morning, when you rub your eyes, the door opens, and mummy calls… “Hurry, or we’ll be late!” Our jeep lies purring in the driveway. You sit above me on the stairs, Your brown hair, straight down your sides, You look at me, without a whisper, Waiting for something, eating […]

Also posted in bottle-nosed dolphin, fight to the finish, First Contact, other | Comments closed

End of Yorkshire cricket

Dear Mr. Mayhew, Many years ago, we played football, on the cobbled streets of our town, or in the school playground. We ‘Bog-Arab Paddies’ on one side, and the ‘Parkies’ on the other.  They knew who they were.  They knew where they came from.  No-body ever went home blubbering to mum. We took the piss […]

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PRINCE ANDREW

Not exactly, the brightest star in the galaxy!

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How many times do I have to say this…

THE CURE FOR GLOBAL WARMING IS TO REDUCE THE  GREEDY HUMAN POPULATION! YOU DON’T NEED A DEGREE IN PHYSICS TO UNDERSTAND THAT PHYSICAL ACTIVITY GENERATES HEAT. TOO MANY PEOPLE! Nothing could be worse for the environment, than the industrialization of Africa (for instance). The planet does go through some natural changes of it’s own, and […]

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TYSON FURY

Please do not fight Oleksandr Usyk.  You are two of the nicest guys in boxing. Retire un-defeated, possibly with a last match against Joshua, even if he loses, and remain friends.

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As I said…

As I said to the pie-man, in the market place this morning (amid the vexed expressions and malign mutterings of the rabble): ‘the day I start worrying about what people say about me, a giant two-ton turtle will fly over the town centre, and the earth will start rotating backwards on its axis…’

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Pain in the arse

Dear Sister Genevieve, I’d like you to know, we don’t appreciate you putting pressure on mum to move back to Yorkshire. She is very happy here among her own possessions and is surrounded by caring experienced people. It would be extremely disruptive for a lady of mum’s age when she is so frail, with very […]

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A way to solve the crisis

Dear Mr. Mayhew, It’s a bit like closing the stable door after the horse has bolted, but why not scupper the migrant boats before they set off.  Is that against the law…oh, dear! It’s clear to anyone that the Government will never get a grip of this problem, so here’s a new idea to share […]

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Back from holiday

Dear Tom, and Mr Mayhew, Could you please tell me what the Government is doing to prevent many more annoying and greedy individuals from entering the country? I understand that some of the Taliban fighters are carrying fire-arms (which actually work!), but that, in some instances, they do not have a valid licence, or have […]

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Sudesh Amman ‘lawful killing’

Hostel staff unable to search his room for knife due to “lack of training.”

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Jabberwock is back…

As agreed, I rang  the Pain-in-the-butt, so she could speak to mum. “He’s not had very much!  You have to feel sorry for him.” And you’ve had plenty, from the age of eleven or twelve, if your diary was correct. Though, I sense, you are not getting very much at the moment…

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Benita called

Had a baby in her pram. Looked like a little black doll. It was nice to see her.

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Spoke to Nichola

For the first time, really. I didn’t realize she was so lovely.

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At last Janet has found an excuse not to speak!

‘What’s wrong with having your own personal workhorse?’

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What’s wrong with shouting

Your knee hurts. You can’t sleep. Someone fiddling in the kitchen. Fifty press-ups on the carpet!

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MATHEW HANDCOCK

Let it be known, that the increasing cases of the new strain are caused by idiots not having the vaccine, and not by air-passengers from India and Pakistan spreading it all over the streets of Lancashire.

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Not interested

Dear Norfolk Constabulary, I have been unable to speak to anyone on the phone.  I have tried several times. No-one has ever responded to my e-mails in the past. I wrote to you yesterday. About seven months ago I was caught speeding through Roughton. Its the bit where the speed limit suddenly changes from 40 […]

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Anthony Joshua says:

‘You couldn’t punch your way out of a paper bag… you over grown piece of cob travelling muck!’

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Had her arse slapped…

Is Susie Dent as nice as she seems. Wrong gender, Colin!

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Normal on the phone

Shite-in-the-butt was normal on the phone when she rang during mum’s birthday party! TODAY “I don’t want to hear a single word ‘that’ repugnant creature moaning in the background has to say…” AND “Keep taking the tablets…!” Do you mean the ones you were on?

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Brighter than the day

There is a time, when we must rise, From darkness, pain and wrath, When we are stumbling on our knees, And black is but the cloth. When children pray, And old men say, That life is just too bad… Should I eclipse the Sun and Moon, The stars by which we live, Should I be […]

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NEW VACCINE SHRINKS YOUR PENIS!

There is absolutely no evidence that it does, but how can you afford to take any chances… Effectiveness of first injection down to 0.1%.

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VIRUS FIGHTS BACK

Billions spent on vaccines no use against the new strains.

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ON BENEFITS

HIM Dollops of doe in the pocket 2nd hand camper van in the car-park Never speaks Never smiles Several sprogs to various girls around the city No work, due to the pandemic Huge family rodent Lots of mates calling round Delivers a dozen large blue plastic containers full of clothes to the poor of Trinidad […]

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Chaos in America

The Democrat pack are finally going to have another go at impeachment, having tried to get Donald Trump out of office any way they could, over the last four gruelling years.  They are hoping to rush it through before the end of his tenure. The TV debates exposed some of Trumps weaknesses, but he also […]

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