Author Archives: Peter Smith

Prefer to have sex on the train haha

The seaside town of Porthcawl is planning to install anti-sex public toilets that would spray occupants with water and sound an alarm. Violent movement sensors will automatically open the doors and sound high pitched alarms, with fine water jets soaking the interior of the units. Weight sensitive floors would ensure that only one user could […]

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Early morning riser

Now, who shall I upset today….?

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Woman set on fire

A woman was set on fire at her home during a burglary and died from her injuries.  Aren’t there some horrible people around.  Poor woman.  How she must have suffered.  How can anyone do this to another person? You wouldn’t treat your worse enemy like that.

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Policeman killed performing his duty

Let’s hope we’ve got the right story this time. There are some real brutes out there who need to be punished. What makes them behave in this way.  There must be something more to it, but a great boost for the Mets demand for more officers and pay.  Inexperience led him to hold on to […]

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The Virgin lounge

Was invited down to the Virgin lounge in Norwich to help a lady write her family tree.  She said that one of her ancestors had been a murderer, and that they had sliced their victim into pieces, before burying the remains under the station…

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The Little Shitzah

I told the Little Shitzah that politics was all about power and that you should always challenge Authority. “What a dreadful man you are!” she sneered. “You’ve got a big mouth and no brain.” “No wonder you ended up in prison.”

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Sala’s death a tragic accident

Spending millions on picking through the wreckage won’t do any good now.  Be more careful in future!

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Laying down the law

Today little Faruka was playing football in the street with the kids.  I saw her husband walking along with his walking stick. He has white hair and seventy children by assorted brides. I said; “Faruka, surely it’s wrong that you were married at such a tender age. You must have been emotionally damaged by such […]

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Lying little cunt

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Lamb

The people voted to leave therefore we are going to do everything we can to stay.

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MORALISTS

The greatest threat to society since…..

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The way news is reported…

Always reflects the bias of the media.  Mass killings, perpetrated by callous and warped individuals are ‘evil,’ yet wars instigated by Governments are for the good of the people…  

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No room for racism in our wonderful country says Hunt…

In response to Donald Trump’s tweet that the whingers in the multi-ethnic suffragette movement should ‘Go home,’ if they didn’t like it,  Herr Jeremy Hunt replied; “There is no room for racism in our country.  It is totally un-British to be racist.  I have three half Chinese children and I would be appalled if anyone […]

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Boring old cricket

England world champions; but they had to cheat to do it.

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Trump pulled out due to spite

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If all animals have conscious sentient feelings…

Why aren’t they allowed to vote?

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I thought he would…I hoped he wouldn’t

I’m reliably informed by a friend that she was sitting watching telly yesterday evening when her son suddenly blurted; “Dad, I saw Andy kissing mummy…”

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At last!

We find out what the leaked Kim Darroch e-mails was all about. The Trump administration is incompetent. I might have known!

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Johnson turned in by remaining neighbour

What a little snitch you are!

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Personality of the Year

My friend Heather has won the coveted ‘Personality of the Year’ trophy, for the whole of Norfolk. She’s in good company.  Johnny Danger won it two years running…

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Kevin’s on holiday

It’s great to hear that Kevin is away with his family in Bermuda enjoying himself. Mum said he has a lot nicer house than ours, and so much money in the bank, he doesn’t know what to do with it. An ideal person to give away all your savings to then. She refused to pay […]

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Contents of the freezer

We’ve been trying to stock up on the contents of the freezer the last few days, since someone turned it off during a hot spell, and destroyed every last pea, ice-lolly and piece of bacon…I was cleaning round the door handles just now when a strange pong seemed to be coming from its direction… “Shitzah!  […]

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Wicked leaks founder vacates winter residence

Dragged to a waiting car by bullies-with-badges.

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Abuse of black footballers

We need to eradicate this serious  menace from our terraces.  Abuse of our brave brothers will not be ‘tolerated.’  We aim to abolish any kind of racial discrimination.  Bad fans will be ejected.  Good fans will be allowed in through the gates…

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Dear Lisa

I promise you, that many years from now, when I no longer walk the streets of this cold and desolate planet, you will remember me.

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The library group

Attended the library group with Heather yesterday to learn about chess.  Quite a mixed bunch; students, young and old, on-the-dole looking for work, mentally deranged, out of Africa, out of Zimbabwe, looking for a wank.

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Against Face-book!

I know why the Establishment have been gunning for Mark Zuckerberg.  Face-book ran a lot of publicity for Donald Trump and helped to get him elected.

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Took mum to ACT

I took mum to ACT today and handed her over to Hayley.  Some of the buses had already arrived. The entire place went silent when I walked in.  Thanks Bill!

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Never mention the name ‘BRENTON TARRANT’

Among those named was Venetian Admiral Sebastiano Venier, who made his name at the Battle of Lepanto in 1571 – a date also written onto the assault rifle used.The battle saw the Christian League decisively defeated the Turks. The name of Italian aristocrat Marcantonio Colonna was also scrawled onto the bags of ammunition, along with […]

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International ‘happiness’ day…

The rabbit’s door was deliberately left open, so the cat could get it! There was a stain on the rug, which Little Shitzah blamed on the rabbit, but which was her doing Kev said he wouldn’t have a rabbit living in ‘his’ conservatory! Little Shitzah said she would top up his account with another few […]

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