Author Archives: Peter Smith

We know you are there

Dear Mr. Mayhew, I was pursued to St. Michael’s church in Aylsham at the weekend for no apparent reason.  A police helicopter appeared from no-where, hovered over the entrance, then went away when I cycled to the nearby Co-op.  What on earth do these brain defunct pestiferous nincompoops think I am going to do? If […]

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Grossly malicious trolling

Any troll, which deliberately posts malicious messages or causes any kind of destruction to the building infrastructure must be immediately apprehended and destroyed…

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Russian troops remove British ‘aid-workers’ from war-zone

FOR THEIR OWN SAFETY!

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Are all law-breakers ‘criminals?’

Dear Mr. Mayhew, With the Prime-Minister now such a persistent offender; will he have to be monitored by a ‘Care-Manager?’ forced to sign a legal document every six months that he has not been dancing on the lawn or cavorting with Rishi Sunak regular visits by the plebs to search through Number 10 for illicit […]

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Not a small speeding fine!

Dear Mr. Mayhew,   I am trying to find the address of one Darrell Meekcom, 55, who was arrested a few days ago for ‘mooning’ a police speed camera.   He was attacked in his own garden by six of these oafs some moments later.  Why was he treated so horribly for something so innocuous.     […]

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Alison

  I fall to you, Like raindrops to the earth, Like a lost child in the desert Like a furnace in the Sun.   I stumble along a road, Where your last kiss, Still lingers on my lips, In the distance.   Do you not hear the breath of the wind, Among the mountains, Trickling […]

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A gathering of apes

Dear Mr. Mayhew, As you know, our Carer was harassed by the police just for coming to our house to support my mother a few weeks ago, and I was harassed by them in my own home when I hadn’t done anything wrong. I feel sometimes, that the police could drag us away, beat hell […]

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Empire of a thousand lies

Surely, there must be more than that…? I thought we were trying to reduce immigration, not speed it up.

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Western powers continue to seek more territory in Eastern Europe

Ukraine, has never been a part of Europe, and always formed part of the Soviet block. What happens to the Russians living in Ukraine who don’t want to join the European Union? The provocation, came in the form of the Western Alliance and NATO seeking to usurp Ukraine from its historical allegiances. Perfectly rational, if […]

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Alison

1. This was hypothetical.  Like you being homeless for instance.  I’d had it in my mind for ages, even before you came.  I am a dreamer.      What to do in the future.  If mum passed away, as well, which she will do one day.  I prayed it would be peacefully in her sleep. […]

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As the pig left…

He asked…”How’s the books?” Why should you want to know? You can’t even read, can you.

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The deliberate misleading of Parliament

Dear Mr. Mayhew, What on earth is all this fuss about Politicians lying when they have been caught out?  They are human you know! Look at how often the Authorities lie, but of course, we are not allowed to say so…

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Pulse of the nation

Mr. Mayhew, I am sorry to trouble you again, but I am so fed up. Vodaphone have emptied my credit again.  I only made a handful of text messages (but none to my ex-girlfriend you will be glad to hear…). Last week the top up number rejected my phone.  I spent ages talking to a […]

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TYSON FURY

Please do not fight Oleksandr Usyk.  You are two of the nicest guys in boxing. Retire un-defeated, possibly with a last match against Joshua, even if he loses, and remain friends.

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Back from holiday

Dear Tom, and Mr Mayhew, Could you please tell me what the Government is doing to prevent many more annoying and greedy individuals from entering the country? I understand that some of the Taliban fighters are carrying fire-arms (which actually work!), but that, in some instances, they do not have a valid licence, or have […]

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Had her arse slapped…

Is Susie Dent as nice as she seems. Wrong gender, Colin!

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THE PRESIDENT

Mr President. This is Andy Gallagher in England. The best way to deal with this is by showing magnanimity and generosity towards the apparent Victor. Apologise for the jokes you made about him and give him credit where it is due, even though the use of postal ballots is very much open to scrutiny. Be […]

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When will it ever end…!

  Nearly twelve years ago I contacted a former partner I didn’t even want when we slept in the same bed, on the telephone.  There was one land-line call, and one disputed text message (which, quite frankly, could have come from anyone). Nothing I said was either malicious or threatening. At the close of my […]

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Expletive deletive

Hi Rog. Saw a post on your lass.  All Annabelle’s friends were making complimentary comments like; ‘Isn’t she lovely.’ ‘What a cutey!’ On the spare of the moment I wrote; “She’s just like her dad!” Within seconds my post was taken down and I had been ‘un-friended.’

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Appallingly racist behaviour

Black man goes in a bar with a huge multi-coloured parrot resting on his shoulder. The bar-man stares at him in disbelief. “Where did you get a bluddy thing like that?” The parrot replies; “You ought to go to Africa.  Flipping millions of ‘em.”  

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Little Shitzah

“There’s a dog barking in the garden.” “It’s not the only one.”

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Good things about slavery

Free food and lodgings if you do as you are told Secure career advancement  into your dog-kennel Part of a team dedicated to preserving the status quo Knowing you are appreciated by your Lords and Masters A wide variety of social contacts among the sick and injured Privileged and able to vote if you are […]

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Fat-man with poor aim misses legitimate target

A man caught short on a London street missed his target by a mile, thereby saving himself a further month in custody.  Don’t forget your glasses next time.  You are a bluddy disgrace!

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Female Copper knocked from horse by traffic light/bike thrown at horse

It was better in the good old days when all you needed was a lance.

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Disgraceful inequality

Anyone born in a particular place,  at a certain time, with webbed feet will be affected by it for the rest of their life…

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Biden in secret deal with Antifa

Make this an issue about race and not police brutality Keep the pressure on Trump and hope that he will crack Maintain that ‘black lives matter’ more than yellow Stir up the crowd and blame in on the President Persist with the ignorant idea of equality for all Offer bribes to the media barons Hope […]

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Beth Rigsby

Bit of a Laura Kuentzberg.

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Snoop this!

Social Services May 2020 Dear Occupant, I am writing to inform you that you have been allocated a Social Worker.  This follows your visit from the police over two weeks ago.  Next Thursday I will be calling to see you with a male member-of-staff, who will assess your son’s unsuitability for Care-work.  We are not […]

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Irish shit

We were watching a film this morning.  I started to tell the Little Shitzah about Stephen Boyd, who came from a small town called Glengormley in County Antrim. “Irish shit,” she replied.

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Tesco trolls with arm-bands

Reprimanded today; 1 Asking to leave my mountain bike outside the shop 2 Returning my basket in an improper manner 3 Walking forward without the proper authority

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