Author Archives: Peter Smith

Pulse of the nation

Mr. Mayhew, I am sorry to trouble you again, but I am so fed up. Vodaphone have emptied my credit again.  I only made a handful of text messages (but none to my ex-girlfriend you will be glad to hear…). Last week the top up number rejected my phone.  I spent ages talking to a […]

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TYSON FURY

Please do not fight Oleksandr Usyk.  You are two of the nicest guys in boxing. Retire un-defeated, possibly with a last match against Joshua, even if he loses, and remain friends.

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Back from holiday

Dear Tom, and Mr Mayhew, Could you please tell me what the Government is doing to prevent many more annoying and greedy individuals from entering the country? I understand that some of the Taliban fighters are carrying fire-arms (which actually work!), but that, in some instances, they do not have a valid licence, or have […]

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Had her arse slapped…

Is Susie Dent as nice as she seems. Wrong gender, Colin!

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THE PRESIDENT

Mr President. This is Andy Gallagher in England. The best way to deal with this is by showing magnanimity and generosity towards the apparent Victor. Apologise for the jokes you made about him and give him credit where it is due, even though the use of postal ballots is very much open to scrutiny. Be […]

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When will it ever end…!

  Nearly twelve years ago I contacted a former partner I didn’t even want when we slept in the same bed, on the telephone.  There was one land-line call, and one disputed text message (which, quite frankly, could have come from anyone). Nothing I said was either malicious or threatening. At the close of my […]

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Expletive deletive

Hi Rog. Saw a post on your lass.  All Annabelle’s friends were making complimentary comments like; ‘Isn’t she lovely.’ ‘What a cutey!’ On the spare of the moment I wrote; “She’s just like her dad!” Within seconds my post was taken down and I had been ‘un-friended.’

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Appallingly racist behaviour

Black man goes in a bar with a huge multi-coloured parrot resting on his shoulder. The bar-man stares at him in disbelief. “Where did you get a bluddy thing like that?” The parrot replies; “You ought to go to Africa.  Flipping millions of ‘em.”  

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Little Shitzah

“There’s a dog barking in the garden.” “It’s not the only one.”

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Good things about slavery

Free food and lodgings if you do as you are told Secure career advancement  into your dog-kennel Part of a team dedicated to preserving the status quo Knowing you are appreciated by your Lords and Masters A wide variety of social contacts among the sick and injured Privileged and able to vote if you are […]

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Fat-man with poor aim misses legitimate target

A man caught short on a London street missed his target by a mile, thereby saving himself a further month in custody.  Don’t forget your glasses next time.  You are a bluddy disgrace!

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Female Copper knocked from horse by traffic light/bike thrown at horse

It was better in the good old days when all you needed was a lance.

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Disgraceful inequality

Anyone born in a particular place,  at a certain time, with webbed feet will be affected by it for the rest of their life…

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Biden in secret deal with Antifa

Make this an issue about race and not police brutality Keep the pressure on Trump and hope that he will crack Maintain that ‘black lives matter’ more than yellow Stir up the crowd and blame in on the President Persist with the ignorant idea of equality for all Offer bribes to the media barons Hope […]

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Beth Rigsby

Bit of a Laura Kuentzberg.

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Snoop this!

Social Services May 2020 Dear Occupant, I am writing to inform you that you have been allocated a Social Worker.  This follows your visit from the police over two weeks ago.  Next Thursday I will be calling to see you with a male member-of-staff, who will assess your son’s unsuitability for Care-work.  We are not […]

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Irish shit

We were watching a film this morning.  I started to tell the Little Shitzah about Stephen Boyd, who came from a small town called Glengormley in County Antrim. “Irish shit,” she replied.

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Tesco trolls with arm-bands

Reprimanded today; 1 Asking to leave my mountain bike outside the shop 2 Returning my basket in an improper manner 3 Walking forward without the proper authority

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Mavis 2

“Have you heard from Social Services yet?” “No.  Should we have done?”

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Cleft child

Give them a chance to breed. Make sure they can smile.

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ITALY

“Puts Britain to shame.”

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Visit from the Fuzz

We had a visit from the Fuzz today.   Two officers at our front door asking if we were self-isolating and breathing in our faces.  It then emerged that the Butt had arranged for ‘Swapper’ to ring them, to see why we had not been answering the phone.  He’d never bothered to ring for months. I […]

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Doctors and nurses 2

‘We feel ‘compelled’ to return to work in return for a nice fat pay cheque, and plenty of prestige…

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Pain in the arse…

‘Please let us know when you expect to be here so we can book a holiday’

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Heather won today!

At the chess puzzles she knows so well.  I liked the way her and Charles giggled, every time she did so.

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Lydia said…

“You’re a very sad little man!” I said; “At least I never got in a car full of Parkies, drove my partner insane, and covered the walls with red.”

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Winner Dave says Boris hates blacks

Nothing fixed about that…

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Celebrities a waste of space

Can’t get their own way, and they kick-off. Okay at giving it out, or laughing at the less-than-perfect. Petulant, pouting, and greedy.

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False entries of the Bure Vally zoo snitches

I over-heard the Little Shitzah talking to Aunty on the phone tonight.  I was just after I had made her supper. “I’ll keep a diary,” she said,  “and write down everything he does.!”    

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The truth is…

You don’t know Jack Shit about me really!

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