Author Archives: Bird Dung

MY GRANDAD

Dear Mr. Mayhew, My Grandad had nine kids, and if it wasn’t for the Second World War, he’d have had a lot more…

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MAYHEW NO REPLY

Dear Mr. Mayhew, Following our harassment by the police the Social Services called along with our family doctor. Dr. Ahmed was very complimentary about the care package we had in place for my mum. We are not under Social Services, and we do not get regular visits from them. I can send you a copy […]

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I DIDN’T THINK YOU WOULD FIND IT SO SOON

Honest! It was only a wind-up anyway. It’s a fair cop!

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Further unnecessary harassment and interference by the British police

Dear Right hon. Mr. Mayhew, Member-of-Parliament for BROADLAND (and Tom), I don’t know how much you read of my letters.  I realise you must be very busy and I don’t want to be a nuisance to you. I realise also that you can’t do very much, and that if you did, it would be the […]

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Myleene Klass, asked to take her dress off at audition

Won’t be the first time!

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YIDS

Make me feel “uncomfortable.”

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Anton

My old friend Anton Mandzuik was approached by a young woman in a night-club many years ago. She said to him; “You are selfish, arrogant, vain and conceited!”  Which swelled his head with pride. She was giving him a blow-job round the back half an hour later.

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Bates motel

“Andrew, I don’t know if you understand, that when women get to a certain age, they don’t need to use any contraceptives.”

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Another innocent life is lost…

Many young black men are losing their lives because of knife-crime in London. They didn’t do a damned thing for this to happen…! One grieving father thought they carried knives because they “didn’t feel safe!”  A sentiment echoed by a lot of other people… How could I  have been so stupid (slaps the lower half […]

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Tutu meets his maker

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As I said…

As I said to the pie-man, in the market place this morning (amid the vexed expressions and malign mutterings of the rabble): ‘the day I start worrying about what people say about me, a giant two-ton turtle will fly over the town centre, and the earth will start rotating backwards on its axis…’

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So good looking!

Donna, our new carer came round. “My daughter’s boyfriend is so good looking,” she said.

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Anthony Joshua says:

‘You couldn’t punch your way out of a paper bag… you over grown piece of cob travelling muck!’

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NEW VACCINE SHRINKS YOUR PENIS!

There is absolutely no evidence that it does, but how can you afford to take any chances… Effectiveness of first injection down to 0.1%.

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VIRUS ENTERING THROUGH EYES AND ANUS

Face-masks simply a fashion accessory.

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Budgen’s baloney

Went into the bad supermarket  for a stamp today.  Libby was getting shagged round the back.  One of the staff rushed up to me: “You’re banned!  You know you are” ?

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Head of Antifa threatens to pray for the President

“My wife Jill and I regretfully send our condolences and hope you will keep your mouth shut in future!”

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Wolf dung

Pretended to like being filmed at first. These idiots snoop into all your e-mails and personal information at will, and twist it all to suit themselves. There isn’t an MP or Member of the Establishment in the country who will say a word in your defence. Taking the urine out of them is your public […]

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WHAT A STRANGE 24 HOURS

  Eileen breaks up with me without giving any reason. The Cops turn up and ask me for my phone. Kevin comes here to gloat.

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Sky Interviewer; “What do you think could hurt President Putin?”

Nothing you could say.

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Top shelf

It’s great to see our local newsagent has opened its door again. “Mucky books?”

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Another annoying human being joins the human race

Heather’s pregnant with a brat.

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In the wrong way…

Rebuked again for going in a supermarket the wrong way round. “But, I’m dyslexic!”

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Oxford legal Secretary

“You have a lot of problems…” “Thanks for letting me know.” “Is that why you let them confiscate all my poetry books…?”

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UK Government say…

“Test, track and chase!  We will do our very best to protect your freedom and ease this terrible lock-down.”

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Donald Shipman Trump

A great way to finish off your ailing relative…

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Fox’s Glacier Mints

We had a little bust-up this morning about her taking all the milk from the fridge and leaving it in her room… “What do you mean I’m not normal, you’re the one who’s not normal!” A bit later I remembered a story Sally had told me about her mother, who kept putting Fox’s Glacier mints […]

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My Grandad always said they would…

and they did!

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My wonderful nosy neighbours

Out exercising in the garden today and self-isolating, due to the pandemic.  It was a lovely sunny day, so I was in my swimming trunks.  I had a sudden feeling of deja vu, as the mechanical whirr of a helicopter appeared on the horizon.   It sped directly towards me at top speed, and circled overhead. […]

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BISHOP OF LONDON

“Its okay not to be okay…”

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