Author Archives: Surloin Steak

I would have thought that was obvious. PROJECTILE VOMIT.

A young soldier who was saved from shrapnel by his bible said: “I was never happier than when I carried my bible off to war.  I always kept it in my right hand pocket until the good Lord told me to move it to my left pocket.  I was protected from the full impact of […]

Must be conversant in all forms of communication,  carpentry and observation.

Today, a successful British athlete had to drag himself across the airport: wheelchair of poor quality and design a regular reader of ‘the Independent’ may have got a pressure sore on his ass legs wouldn’t work properly due to cough needed the publicity for his memoirs petulant and spoilt due to changes in public attitude […]

I was accosted in the Town hall today by an elderly lady who mentioned my newspaper article and said she had already read two of my books. She would not tell me which ones or make any other comment about them except “interesting…from a psychological point of view. An unusual title. It’s not very nice […]

Gladis called round to see me at the book-signing today.  It came into my head to mention the Gate-keeper, who I thought was somewhat stand-off-ish whenever I have been in her presence. “Oh, she’s just shy,” barked Gladis.  “She’s a complete brain-box.  You ought to see the qualifications she’s got.” “Shy,”  I said, “the woman’s […]

I have promised some friends that anything we say or discuss in private will not be repeated by me on-line, and I intend to keep my word.  Nor will I discuss any activities or conversations we have together in a bond of friendship.

But stabbed in the back at home by petty minded Democrats.

1 You are not allowed to feed the animals 2 You aren’t allowed to bring your bike in 3 Do not attempt to fool us with a plastic carrot

I am changing mum’s name. She needs to be changed. I had thought of F O, because she keeps coming to my door and hanging around outside my bedroom window. Finally I decided on ‘FOE.’ E stands for ‘eventually.’

Casting our mind back to the sixteenth century we once again find that Authority is always in the right: Anyone found guilty of insubordination will be burnt at the stake ‘Indulgences’ will be paid into the Pope’s coffers for the remission of ‘sins’ Authority will be given by God to the most deserving Anyone found […]

mum is driving me mad tonight a continuous opening and closing of drawers which has gone on for about four days now. she leaves the big telly on the menu page for hours! she’s just come into my room again to ask what make my telly is. we bought her a new telly a few […]

You both swear you’ll always be faithful.  You love each other, so you should trust each other as well.  When you have gained their trust that’s the time to start lying and cheating as much as you can.

I was steam-rollered into cycling into Norwich during the heat-wave on Saturday.  Almost ignored by my partner because her son and grand-daughter took priority… I wavered around the swimming pool, full of screaming migrants and strange looking dudes. Brian said they’d been given free entry because a friend of theirs worked on the desk. “What […]

Give me all you can in cash.  Reward me with bribes and bus-conductors. Let me into your house.  Offer me the keys to your clock-tower. Then watch me, as I really screw you over!

Mum rang me today to say the cat had tried to get out through the ‘front’ door and that he had spat at her when she wouldn’t let him…

Cheryl Cole (formerly coal) is splitting up.   How can we ever take a national newspaper seriously again?

SHAP are supposed to represent all the Residents living at the Zoo.  I spoke to one of their representatives last week and showed her  a letter which we had written denying all the lies which had been told about us again.   I asked her if she was coming over to talk to us at One O’clock […]

Britain is really up against it now, but we do at least have a shrewd and competent negotiator. The EU want to punish us all for leaving. How can someone be accused of not honouring an agreement, when you are no longer a member of the club? I have never once heard of anyone having […]

‘Fearless’ is a new television drama about a man who has served fourteen years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit.  His whole family are against him, his son doesn’t want to know him, and the girl’s parents are refusing to let her body be exhumed so they can find the real killer. Complicit with all […]

I wonder just how many famous celebs will be brave enough to doff all their kit off before an admiring audience of millions in tomorrow’s live television programme? It wasn’t that long ago that the pigs would have be racing round to arrest them all for ‘indecency.’  How time’s change…

How can anyone call themselves a radical or anti-Establishment when they want to throw yet more money at a crumbling National Health Service, let alone employ thousands of extra Plebs in the ‘service of the Community?’  What are beer-swilling students doing voting for a tribe like that?

With a sour faced smirk young Chesney stared into the face of his former girlfriend: “No-one would hit their own father.  There must be something wrong with him!” Which goes to show; he is just as dense as he looks.

I am quite a big fan of the so-called ‘Dark Triad.’  I have always been a bit narcissistic, but they can’t hang you for it, can they?  I have learnt to become more manipulative, as I took on the challenges of dealing with human kind, but its not exactly evil, is it?   Is having a […]

I hear that Peabody is about to hang up his badge.  To give him his due he did say that he would do this if he didn’t make Assistant Commissioner by the Spring. Peabody has very fixed ideas about what is right and wrong.  If he doesn’t get his own way he will throw his […]

Nigel Farage will go down in history as the man who succeeded in releasing Britain from the European noose. 1  Form a pact. 2  Unify Ireland and at the same time sign a treaty making it part of a United States of Great Britain.

The bright bath towel with lots of brilliant reds, blues and yellows was in the laundry again today.  I saw ‘Vera the laundry hag’ watching it spin round in the machine.  We use it every day.  It has to be washed every day!  She went to report it in the office.

The Pigs called in to see me again a few days ago.  Sergeant Custer sat with his arse on my sofa flicking through my family albums while the Grim Reaper manicured his nails with a dope-file. “We need to examine your computer.  Is this the only Internet device you have in the house?” “What is […]

Dear Judge/Your Opulent Majesty, Is there any chance we can get together soon over a nice cup of coffee in the Savoy?  I would like to discuss how much we owe you for the case involving Mr Bunderchook Meinhoff Coetzer, who as you know was becoming something of a liability.  Your two-faced arrogant attitude has […]