Author Archives: Surloin Steak

What will George Bush Snr. be most remembered for?

I would have thought that was obvious. PROJECTILE VOMIT.

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Bibles into war

A young soldier who was saved from shrapnel by his bible said: “I was never happier than when I carried my bible off to war.  I always kept it in my right hand pocket until the good Lord told me to move it to my left pocket.  I was protected from the full impact of […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

New Gate-keeper required

Must be conversant in all forms of communication,  carpentry and observation.

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Disgrace at Luton airport

Today, a successful British athlete had to drag himself across the airport: wheelchair of poor quality and design a regular reader of ‘the Independent’ may have got a pressure sore on his ass legs wouldn’t work properly due to cough needed the publicity for his memoirs petulant and spoilt due to changes in public attitude […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Caught in the act

I was accosted in the Town hall today by an elderly lady who mentioned my newspaper article and said she had already read two of my books. She would not tell me which ones or make any other comment about them except “interesting…from a psychological point of view. An unusual title. It’s not very nice […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Gate keeper

Gladis called round to see me at the book-signing today.  It came into my head to mention the Gate-keeper, who I thought was somewhat stand-off-ish whenever I have been in her presence. “Oh, she’s just shy,” barked Gladis.  “She’s a complete brain-box.  You ought to see the qualifications she’s got.” “Shy,”  I said, “the woman’s […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Hubble bubble toil and trouble

I have promised some friends that anything we say or discuss in private will not be repeated by me on-line, and I intend to keep my word.  Nor will I discuss any activities or conversations we have together in a bond of friendship.

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Trump doing all he can to stand up to Chinese and Russian aggression

But stabbed in the back at home by petty minded Democrats.

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Red-wings horse and donkey gulag

1 You are not allowed to feed the animals 2 You aren’t allowed to bring your bike in 3 Do not attempt to fool us with a plastic carrot

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

A change of name

I am changing mum’s name. She needs to be changed. I had thought of F O, because she keeps coming to my door and hanging around outside my bedroom window. Finally I decided on ‘FOE.’ E stands for ‘eventually.’

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Council of Worms

Casting our mind back to the sixteenth century we once again find that Authority is always in the right: Anyone found guilty of insubordination will be burnt at the stake ‘Indulgences’ will be paid into the Pope’s coffers for the remission of ‘sins’ Authority will be given by God to the most deserving Anyone found […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

?

mum is driving me mad tonight a continuous opening and closing of drawers which has gone on for about four days now. she leaves the big telly on the menu page for hours! she’s just come into my room again to ask what make my telly is. we bought her a new telly a few […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

I get it!

You both swear you’ll always be faithful.  You love each other, so you should trust each other as well.  When you have gained their trust that’s the time to start lying and cheating as much as you can.

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

A day at the Riverside

I was steam-rollered into cycling into Norwich during the heat-wave on Saturday.  Almost ignored by my partner because her son and grand-daughter took priority… I wavered around the swimming pool, full of screaming migrants and strange looking dudes. Brian said they’d been given free entry because a friend of theirs worked on the desk. “What […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

A member of the squad

Give me all you can in cash.  Reward me with bribes and bus-conductors. Let me into your house.  Offer me the keys to your clock-tower. Then watch me, as I really screw you over!

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

The front door

Mum rang me today to say the cat had tried to get out through the ‘front’ door and that he had spat at her when she wouldn’t let him…

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Front page news

Cheryl Cole (formerly coal) is splitting up.   How can we ever take a national newspaper seriously again?

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

What’s the point in SHAP?

SHAP are supposed to represent all the Residents living at the Zoo.  I spoke to one of their representatives last week and showed her  a letter which we had written denying all the lies which had been told about us again.   I asked her if she was coming over to talk to us at One O’clock […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

David Davis worth his weight in gold

Britain is really up against it now, but we do at least have a shrewd and competent negotiator. The EU want to punish us all for leaving. How can someone be accused of not honouring an agreement, when you are no longer a member of the club? I have never once heard of anyone having […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Andy’s review of ‘Fearless’

‘Fearless’ is a new television drama about a man who has served fourteen years in prison for a crime he didn’t commit.  His whole family are against him, his son doesn’t want to know him, and the girl’s parents are refusing to let her body be exhumed so they can find the real killer. Complicit with all […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Celebrity strip

I wonder just how many famous celebs will be brave enough to doff all their kit off before an admiring audience of millions in tomorrow’s live television programme? It wasn’t that long ago that the pigs would have be racing round to arrest them all for ‘indecency.’  How time’s change…

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Corbyn the ‘rabble-rouser’

How can anyone call themselves a radical or anti-Establishment when they want to throw yet more money at a crumbling National Health Service, let alone employ thousands of extra Plebs in the ‘service of the Community?’  What are beer-swilling students doing voting for a tribe like that?

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

IN CATHEDRAL JARS

The cards from Prue, With pictures from her gallery, And Pam’s letters, Rich in scenes from her family. Roger’s large and erudite hand, Scrawled across the page, His loving nature revealed, For the very first time. And Leo’s inspiring words, Giving me the will to survive, The injustice of this prison cell, All the way […]

Posted in bottle-nosed dolphin, First Contact | Comments closed

Chesney Sourchin the Corrie loser

With a sour faced smirk young Chesney stared into the face of his former girlfriend: “No-one would hit their own father.  There must be something wrong with him!” Which goes to show; he is just as dense as he looks.

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

The Dark Triad

I am quite a big fan of the so-called ‘Dark Triad.’  I have always been a bit narcissistic, but they can’t hang you for it, can they?  I have learnt to become more manipulative, as I took on the challenges of dealing with human kind, but its not exactly evil, is it?   Is having a […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

“Free from moral duty.”

I hear that Peabody is about to hang up his badge.  To give him his due he did say that he would do this if he didn’t make Assistant Commissioner by the Spring. Peabody has very fixed ideas about what is right and wrong.  If he doesn’t get his own way he will throw his […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

The Solution

Nigel Farage will go down in history as the man who succeeded in releasing Britain from the European noose. 1  Form a pact. 2  Unify Ireland and at the same time sign a treaty making it part of a United States of Great Britain.

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

The bright bath towel in the laundry

The bright bath towel with lots of brilliant reds, blues and yellows was in the laundry again today.  I saw ‘Vera the laundry hag’ watching it spin round in the machine.  We use it every day.  It has to be washed every day!  She went to report it in the office.

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Standing tall

The Pigs called in to see me again a few days ago.  Sergeant Custer sat with his arse on my sofa flicking through my family albums while the Grim Reaper manicured his nails with a dope-file. “We need to examine your computer.  Is this the only Internet device you have in the house?” “What is […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed

Judge for yourself

Dear Judge/Your Opulent Majesty, Is there any chance we can get together soon over a nice cup of coffee in the Savoy?  I would like to discuss how much we owe you for the case involving Mr Bunderchook Meinhoff Coetzer, who as you know was becoming something of a liability.  Your two-faced arrogant attitude has […]

Posted in Hot Air | Comments closed