Author Archives: Usuli Twelves

Apparently, its a very common problem these days, especially with your lap-top nearby.  Alan Ladd died because of it. I shouted; “get to fking sleep!”  but it still didn’t work.

And re-name it Redland

And you will be labelled as an obscene racist for the rest of your life for it!

‘Morally repugnant exploitation of unwilling participants in fun and sexual acts’    

A chance to erase your past sins To meet up with old friends and associates To chatter with mutually compatible individuals To worship God in all his wonderful manifestations To plan your next move against the infidel To grow your beard and chant To walk round in circles without a camel

We will not allow a no-deal Brexit Kippers are good for you Trump must be eliminated

Made a mess of Brexit Spiteful, two-faced, and domineering A sly and under-hand Ambassador Inept, lazy and top of the ladder Oh, yes!  I can see now why the BBC don’t like him.

£60 for tightening up your nuts! No fake bills this time mate?

Unlike all the other people and Politicians on the planet over the last two thousand years.

Magicians, working on behalf of the Chinese Government, have made several thousand mosques disappear, along with their fore-head slapping adherents, thereby eliminating a potentially hazardous blot on the landscape.

The Tory hopefuls are all beginning to repeat the rhetoric of Nigel Farage, in the hope that voters will confuse them both.

I have never seen an American President have so much influence on the election for the Tory leadership.  Not only did he out-manoeuvre Corbyn, who would not meet him in public, but tried to arrange a brown-nosing session in private, but he has managed to get Nigel Farage into the Brexit negotiations against strong opposition […]

Pain-in-the-Butt I just heard mum and Kevin whispering outside the back door… they cooked it up between them long ago and still didn’t tell Chris I hadn’t taken it!!! Kevin said:  “Its up to her who she gives the money to.

Your left wing campaign against Donald Trump will go on forever, no matter what anyone says.  Your reporters are still rushing to wipe Hilary’s backside!

The grinning gleaming Panda from North Korea did what everyone said he would. He went back on his word to destroy his nuclear weapons.  No doubt Mr Kim thought he could out-manoever an ageing President.  Someone should have told him.  Donald Trump isn’t just another boot-licking brownoser.

MARINA ABRAMOVIC really had her heart set on being crucified. It was supposed to be the showstopper, maybe literally, in seven nights of often harrowing performance art that she will stage in the rotunda at the Guggenheim Museum. The crucifixion would have been a re-enactment of a near-mythical event in the canon of performance art, […]

Acid attack kits are soon to be available from the National Health Service and will provide much needed support for anyone living in Syria or Iraq.  The kits, which come with an economy sized red hose will not cost more than one million British pounds, roughly equivalent to a bag of House of Commons food […]

Paid for by the Governments who are always encouraging their citizens to climb into a boat…

Nancy Pelosi has decided to make things as difficult as possible for President Trump. He will not have the wall because it sends out the wrong messages… that a free meal and some spare land is always waiting for you in the States? Am I the only one to recognise the similarity between her and […]

We’ll frisk your body for any trace of illegal substances We’ll bring up your past because we have the right to do it We’ll hide behind our uniforms because we like dressing up Our whole life is dedicated towards your freedom and happiness  

I was asked why anyone could be so stupid as to like Donald Trump, or follow Adolf Hitler. Why anyone would be so silly as to vote for Margaret Thatcher, or any other dictator… What possible reason could there be not despising them, apart from their very capable leadership, their courage, strength, endurance and great […]

Having taken fright, Within the secure borders of your room, Chased throughout the house, By a man much older than you…   His fist, like a boulder, held up to your nose, Froth emanating from his mouth, And spit all over your forehead.   You talk to me, quite often, And send your bunch of […]

I don’t know whether to be appalled, or slightly envious.  Among his greatest skills was to manipulate the mind of anyone and make them do exactly as he wanted. What an incredible gift.  Morally repugnant of course, but just think what you could do with power like that.   I should say, it was his adopted […]

Is totally wrong.  You can’t get away with it these days.  Not if you want to keep your job. Not if you want to keep the monkey’s in charge happy. Not if you want to be popular and get your share of the spoils.

“Look, we’ve told you once before: you need to be far more conscientious and obedient, Gladis.” “And would you mind not fiddling with that cat-nip when we are trying to speak.   Sit still in that chair!  Feet close together please!  When we send you out on a mission it needs to be fully implemented.” “B.but […]

What won’t a royal do to hold onto the castle and all its privileges.  Prince Charles has agreed to button his lip, in return for a crown and the chance to sit on the throne. He’s agreed ‘never to express his opinion on any subject he feels strongly about.’ Have you ever heard anything so […]

I heard he hightailed it into the Embassy because his shoes needed shining and he was itching for a showdown. These journalists can really make life uncomfortable.   We’ve looked everywhere but all we can find are a few bloodied hankies. The British Government are furious and so are the United States, at least on camera. […]

Dear Gay, I hope you don’t mind me dropping you a line. I’m looking forward to doing my book-signing on Monday but as I expected, there will be a lot of attempts to prevent me from speaking out. For the last seven years the Housing Association at Bure Valley House has been threatening my girlfriend […]

From which there will be no return to politics.