Author Archives: Adumla

Bring back slavery

I didn’t think it had ever really gone away.

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Sweating like a pig

There’s no way I could ever get the better of such a smart and well organised outfit.

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Guess what?

You’re an ugly fuker!

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Whaley bridge reservoir

I sincerely urge the residents, to go and stay where they like.

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War bad, peace good!

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I know why David Love likes the supermarket now

It’s all the labels. They really turn him on.

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Cyclist has to pay £46,000

Even though the lights were at green, he sounded his horn, shouted, shouted again, waved his hand, used his brakes, and tried to swerve to one side. How about looking where you are going?

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The mystery of Heather McGarron’s wedding

On behalf of the Little Shitzah I have made numerous enquiries about her grand-daughter’s betrothal: which country will it be in? will it be conducted in a Christian church or a  mosque? when will it be? Is it alright if we sent a card or something…? The same hushed and inarticulate silences prevail. The phone […]

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Carry Lamb

The Chief Executive of Hong Kong spoke eloquently and with inscrutable logic in her address to the people, after the recent protest march.  She was accompanied by equally well-balanced and intelligent citizens who were able give the impression of unity and stability.

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Speeka da Engleesh…

I rang the hospital to cancel my appointment.  I spoke to three members of the nursing staff in turn and not one of them understood a single word I said.

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Extra, extra; read all about it!

Hislop adds another double chin.

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Boy died after he was ‘electrocuted’ by table lamp

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Power and greed

While I was out the Little ‘Fiddler’ got on the phone to the boss. “He left a chair behind the telly!” Pain-in-the-butt wanted more money from her account. She said she was worth it. She said she needed another holiday abroad taking her students round the Vatican. When I came in a sickly smell made […]

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Fiddling with the phones

We’ve changed all the phones in the house, so you can’t hear us talking to the Vicar about you any more!

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Class sizes rising

There seems to be a panic spreading around the country.  Head teachers say there is a funding crisis and not enough people are being born.

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Breakdown cover

I asked Little Shitzah why she didn’t tell me we already had break-down cover when I was stuck in the middle of no-where. She said I shouldn’t have taken the car anyway…!

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Having sex with a nun

Okay, if you can get it!

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Please don’t talk about Susan

“She’s my friend, not yours!”

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Acts of Aggression

Acts of aggression are wrong Acts of aggression are always wrong Acts of aggression are always wrong unless committed by people we like People who commit acts of aggression will be punished by the State Justice will always intervene on the side of those sinned against

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So Trump was right

The Chinese are our biggest threat.

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Man executed for incorrect table etiquette

A seriously disturbed wife who asked if she could return to her controlling and oppressive husband, then destroyed him during a meal of egg and bacon is to appeal against her sentence.  Not only did he meet her at the tender impressionable age of just fifteen, but throughout their time together encouraged her to: give […]

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The diminishing returns of Linoleum Andersen

For a whole evening we taunted each other on his time-line.  First him, then me.  We were given a final warning, but still had to have the last word.  Who ever heard of someone with a surname like ‘Titsworth’ anyway…?

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Kevin Spacey caught in the act

The eighteen year old accuser admitted that he actually filmed Spacey in the act two years ago.  As Spacey had a good grope in his trousers the teenager filmed his abuser while sipping Pine Colada from a straw.

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The importance of dreams

Dreams, or dreaming, has a deeper meaning, and is more real than everyday life.  So spoketh the Jellyman!

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The Chess club

So nice to be treated like a normal person once again.  As I left the Legion a woman and a male friend who had been watching me all night took out a note book and began writing.

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Mum again

Pain-in-the-butt, Why does the Little Shitzah only act mental when she is with me?  With everyone else she’s alright.

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Sintoy ya, Brown

Shot her lover who she accused of rape.  Claimed she was innocent before he ‘violated’ her.  As if innocence was something which could be injured and which should remain permanent.  What a pair of jugs on her!

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INCREMENTS

Playing with clocks I was down to 6minutes and 45 seconds left.  My opponent was down to 19 seconds.  I was already celebrating my walk up and down the rostrum.  We were tied in pieces and he couldn’t get check-mate.  I rushed my last few moves sure that he would run out of time and […]

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It seems obvious to me now….

That the Friends have been in touch with the Authorities all along.  How stupid of me to think they would give me a chance.

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More funds needed for health

A massive amount of cash was needed recently to repair the spine of some babies still in the womb. Doctors.  Medical staff.  Hospital Administrators and Porters. I am predicting yet more operations on ‘fetuses’ to prevent the Health Service running out of patients. Its a disgrace that any baby is born impaired or without the […]

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